7 behaviors that seem like “love” but are actually control, according to psychology

There’s a fine line between love and control that can often blur.

Control, disguised as love, can be deceptive and damaging. It’s the motive behind it that shifts the balance.

Love is about caring and giving freedom, while control is about possession and restrictions. The tricky part? Sometimes these behaviors can look awfully similar.

Psychology provides us with insights to differentiate between the two.

Here are seven behaviors that might seem like “love,” but are actually about control. Trust me, it’s essential to know the difference.

1) “I’m doing this for your own good”

This is a classic one. And it’s something we’ve all heard at least once.

“I’m doing this for your own good” is a phrase often used by controlling individuals to justify their actions. It’s a form of manipulation, wrapped in a cloak of care and concern.

The underlying message here is that the person being controlled doesn’t know what’s best for themselves. Instead, the controlling individual assumes the role of the ‘wise guide,’ making decisions on their behalf.

It’s important to remember that true love respects individuality and freedom. It encourages personal growth and autonomy rather than enforcing unnecessary restrictions.

Remember the importance of personal growth and freedom in making our own decisions, even if they lead to mistakes. Those mistakes are ours to make and ours to learn from.

So, if someone consistently uses your wellbeing as an excuse to control your actions, it might not be love but control in disguise.

2) “You don’t need anyone else but me”

I remember an old friend of mine, let’s call her Lucy.

She was dating a guy who always insisted that she didn’t need anyone else but him. He would isolate her from friends and family, subtly making her believe she only needed his company.

At first, it seemed like he was just being overly affectionate. But over time, it became clear that this was a control tactic designed to make her dependent on him alone.

This behavior is a red flag. Love is about mutual respect and understanding, not about creating an unhealthy dependency.

In Lucy’s case, stepping forward meant recognizing the controlling behavior for what it was and asserting her need for other relationships and personal growth.

True love encourages growth and does not restrict or isolate. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation as Lucy, it might be time to reassess things.

3) Overbearing jealousy

Ever felt like someone’s jealousy was just too much to bear?

We’ve often been told that a little bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal, even healthy. But there’s a limit. When that jealousy starts to suffocate you, invade your personal space, and limit your interactions, it’s not love – it’s control.

I’ve been there. I had a partner who would constantly check my phone, question my interactions with others, and display an unreasonable level of possessiveness. It was suffocating.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, but when it starts to control your life and decisions, it’s unhealthy and harmful.

As Robert Heinlein said, “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition.” This quote hits the nail on the head. Love nurtures and helps us grow; it doesn’t stifle us with unhealthy jealousy.

So if your partner’s jealousy is overbearing and controlling, it might be time to have an open and honest conversation about it.

4) The silent treatment

We’ve all been there – you’ve had a disagreement with your partner and suddenly they’re giving you the cold shoulder.

No communication, no acknowledgment, just an eerie silence. It can feel like a punishment, and it’s often used as a tool of control.

This behavior is far from healthy love; it’s an attempt to manipulate emotions and outcomes by withholding affection or communication.

A psychological study conducted by Paul Schrodt at Texas Christian University revealed that couples who use the silent treatment have lower relationship satisfaction, poorer communication, and more feelings of hurt.

Love is about open communication, understanding, and empathy. It’s not about punishing your partner through silence to get your way.

Silent treatment is a form of control and not a healthy expression of love. If you find yourself in this situation, it might be time to address this issue with your partner.

5) “You’re too sensitive”

Have you ever been told that you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting”?

I recall a time when an ex-partner of mine would dismiss my feelings and concerns by labelling me as overly sensitive. It was a way to deflect accountability and maintain control over the narrative.

This is a classic gaslighting tactic, making you doubt your feelings and perceptions. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, a controlling person will try to minimize them or make them seem invalid.

Renowned psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, said, “The Gaslight Effect occurs when you start to second-guess yourself because someone is challenging your reality.”

Your feelings and emotions are valid, and a loving partner would respect and acknowledge them instead of belittling them.

So, if your emotional responses are constantly being undermined, it may not be love but control you’re dealing with.

6) Constant flattery

Surprising, right? But yes, even constant flattery can be a form of control.

It’s lovely to receive compliments and praise from your partner. But when it’s over-the-top and continuous, it can be a cunning method of control.

This excessive flattery is often used to keep you dependent on their validation, subtly maintaining control over your self-esteem.

A relationship grounded in genuine love will have balance. You’ll feel valued and appreciated, but not to the point where your sense of self-worth is dependent on their constant praise.

If you find that your partner’s flattery feels more like a tool of manipulation rather than genuine appreciation, it might be time to reassess the dynamics of your relationship.

7) Making you feel guilty

Guilt is a powerful tool often used for manipulation and control.

A controlling partner may use guilt to make you feel bad about your decisions, actions, or even your feelings. They might imply that you’re the reason for their unhappiness or problems.

Think about what psychologist Harriet Braiker said, “Guilt is a destructive and ultimately pointless emotion.”

Love supports and uplifts. It doesn’t guilt-trip you into feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness. And if guilt is a recurring theme in your relationship, it might not be love, but control.

Final thoughts

Navigating the intricate landscape of human emotions and relationships can be complex, especially when love and control get intertwined.

Examining these seven behaviors that may seem like love but are actually control is a starting point. It’s essential to remember that true love respects individuality, fosters personal growth, and values open communication.

If you’ve recognized some of these controlling behaviors in your relationship, it might be time to reassess and have honest conversations. After all, understanding is the first step towards change.

As you move forward, remember to prioritize mutual respect, understanding, and genuine care. These are the cornerstones of true love, free from manipulation and control.

Navigating relationships can be complex, but with awareness and understanding, you can ensure your love remains just that – love.